FU Media: The Spin with Mark and Linda

The Spin

Linda Huckberg: Hi and welcome back to The Spin where we stretch the truth until it's just about to snap and ask inflammatory questions, even though we know full-well what the morally correct answer is, but ask as if we don't to get you to question it until you're totally confused and convinced we're right!

Mark English: You got that right Linda and today we're going to stretch something we overheard in the break room and add our very own [winding up sound effect] spin to it! [audience cheers and ta-da! sound effect plays] But first our line up, Liposuction: At what age can we start to consider this option for our babies who just can't let go of that baby fat and at what age should it be mandatory?

Linda Huckberg: Seat belts: Necessary or just a nuisance?

Mark English: And Glucose: The next Gluten.

Linda Huckberg: Oh, that just sounds scary. They even begin with the same letter.

Mark English: I'm getting goosebumps just thinking about it.

Linda Huckberg: I don't blame you. I still remember the day I was told gluten was bad for my health I was all [comical cry of fear]! [laughter]

Mark English: My wife and I threw out all the bread we had bought that week and discovered rice patties.

Linda Huckberg: Ooh they sound yummy.

Mark English: They're, uh. They're Yeah, they're yummy. [laughter with hint of nervousness] They're yummy. We're happy.

Linda Huckberg: Okay, so earlier today while we were getting coffee in the break room we overheard some spicy [sizzle sound effect] key words which we can run with.

Mark English: Alright, So get this: Jeremy was talking to Sarah about what Mike did with Janet last Tuesday after their date.

Linda Huckberg: Oooh, so spice. Tell me more.

Mark English: I didn't hear anymore since Jeremy caught me but I know enough to [sci-fi, computer sound] assume.

Linda Huckberg: Whatcha got for us, Mark?

Mark English: Oh, I've got some ideas brewing up but before we get to the main course, let's gossip about celebrities. [camera snap sound effect]

Linda Huckberg: Brad Ford was caught last week, get this, going to the restroom at a mall while out with his girlfriend.

Mark English: Woooow.

Linda Huckberg: And as if that wasn't enough, he was caught using his cell phone on the toilet.

Mark English: O. M. G. What else did The Spinbug spycam catch?

Linda Huckberg: Well, he's a cheater [Mark: Obviously.] and has low standards based on the way he chooses his mistresses so we can only imagine what kinds of women he was chatting up on social media.

Mark English: I bet it was one of those women you see on tv with the big babboon asses. [alt: and roast-beef-style business bits.] What a pig.

Linda Huckberg: Not only that, I bet she could kill a small child if she sat on it the right way.

Mark English: She's probably not even rich.

Linda Huckberg: What? Like a common? Oh no, that's not good. Don't you know commons aren't really people so it's okay to lie to and steal from them? At least that's how daddy taught me.

Mark English: He's not wrong either. It sickens me. It's one thing to take advantage of a common, another thing to care for one. Gah, this makes me so m--I'm going to do it.

Linda Huckberg: Uh oh! You did it now, Brad!

[phone ringing]

Woman: Hello?

Mark English: Hello, Kierra?

Woman: Yes? Who is this?

Mark English: Your boyfriend is cheating on you with a babboon-assed, COMMON.

Woman: Common? What? My boyfriend? Who is this?

Linda Huckberg: It's Mark and Linda from The Spin. We're calling to let you know that your boyfriend, Brad Ford, was caught red-handed messaging who-knows-how-many women on social media. And that's only from what we saw.

Woman: So do you have any proof my HUSBAND is cheating or is it just another one of the lies you people like to push?

Mark English: No, we're very honest about the lies we tell but this is the truth. We have the video to prove it.

Linda Huckberg: Using the Spinbug spycam we were able to catch him in the very act yesterday around 5 in the afternoon. He stepped into the restroom and IMMEDIATELY began texting his lover.

Woman: [Silence] ...You spied on my husband using the restroom at the mall and just assumed he was cheating on me. We were figuring out the schoolbus schedule for our daughter! How the hell are you still walking around making claims like that? Goodbye.

Linda Huckberg: Kierra? Kierra--[click click].

Mark English: Denial.

Linda Huckberg: Classic textbook definition. Next topic.

Mark English: Now Mike.

Linda Huckberg: This ought to be good.

Mark English: So anyway, from what I was able to overhear, Mike and Janet are together. That much we know but what we didn't know is that they slept together, get this, twice.

Linda Huckberg: [gasps] What?

Mark English: [under breath: Dafuq else you think I said? You deaf or something, bitch?] Yes, they slept with each other. Twice.

Linda Huckberg: I don't like it. We need to do something about this. Now.

Mark English: Wait-why?

Linda Huckberg: I don't like her and if I can't be happy neither can she.

Mark English: We should get her.

Linda Huckberg: What if we write a letter to Steven in HR?

Mark English: Complaining? That will never get her fired.

Linda Huckberg: No, we're going to talk a lot of crap and sign her name at the bottom.

Mark English: Oooh! You're so bad, I love it!

Linda Huckberg: Let's see how you like section 8, Janet. [slide wistle pitch dropping]

Mark English: And with that we go to our first commercial break. Stay tuned for when we come back we'll be talking about Liposuction: A failproof solution to your baby's stubborn belly fat. Don't miss it.

Commercial

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Linda Huckberg: Welcome back. Liposuction. Necessary and vital but at what age does that start becoming the truth?

Mark English: I would say at around 2 since that's when the first teeth start coming in so you want to make sure they start the game ready because once they start eating, they'll never stop.

Linda Huckberg: I totally agree but for other reasons. I think 2 is a good age because it's roughly at around this point that kids start to remember things and it's a good idea to have their first memories of their bodies be a good one.

Mark English: I didn't consider that, wow, good thinking Linda. Oh! I just thought of something else too. You know how when you want people to go against someone you do things to make them come off as dangerous?

Linda Huckberg: Yeah, like how I sometimes stand beside someone and then wait for people to look so I can duck and cover my face with my hands and yell, "Oh, please. Don't hit my anymore!"?

Mark English: No, I'm talking about how you stand beside someone and immediately yell, "LET GO OF ME, YOU CREEP!" and everyone flocks to save you, no questions asked.

Linda Huckberg: Oh, okay. Yeah, gotcha. Go on.

Mark English: Well, we wouldn't want that to happen to our kids, right?

Linda Huckberg: To MY kids? Heck no.

Mark English: Exactly my point. No one wants that for their kids so we should make them as cute as possible so they can get away with things a lot easier and make punishments less severe.

Linda Huckberg: Now that's using your brain, Mark. Thinking about the future.

Mark English: Precisely, we need to equip our kids to be the best victims they can be so that way society can feed their weaknesses and make excuses for their underdeveloped skills that will fester untouched and turned into problems later in life.

Linda Huckberg: You mean like setting them up for self-made failure so that way society carries them the entire way? [chuckle] Sign me up!

Mark English: Sign you up? We're already signed up! We can spit out as much filth as we'd like on the air and all we have to do is roll on our backs when confronted and our fans will come to our aide!

Linda Huckberg: Oh, you're right! Remember that one time on the subway that GROSS, UGLY, POOR, and unFASHIONABLE homeless man said hello to me and I bawled my eyes out so the guard would escort him outside?

Mark English: He DEFINITELY had it coming with that nappy hair and all those unmanicured nails. UGH! Gives me the willies to think about creatures like that just mooching off our system. They've got it so easy, "Spare change? I'm sick. Spare change? I'm hungry." Get a grip.

Linda Huckberg: I comlpetely agree. We have it much worse. You know just this morning I went to get a coffee--which we all know is essential if you don't want Linzilla stomping around (we all know that)--and they hit me with this: "We don't have ice for your coffee." Like what? Am I expected to drink this HOT?

Mark English: Ga-ross. Who was it?

Linda Huckberg: David.

Mark English: Of course. It just had to be one of those savages. Why are they always so blunt? Why can't they be more delicate? Why can't they be more like me?

Linda Huckberg: If only. This world would be so much better without those types of savages. I already feel like I'm being watched.

Mark English: Are you serious? Right now, like, in here? Do you feel like...like you might be in danger...of being attacked by one of them?

Linda Huckberg: Yeah. I think, um, I think it might be--yeah. It's him. Him right over there! He's got a weapon! AUGH!

Mark English: DROP THE WEAPON!

Janitor: What? Oh, oh no--I don't want to be in the show. Thank you.

Linda Huckberg: He's going to lunge at me!

[sound of crashing cabinets and wrestling followed by packing sounds of punching]

Janitor: What's the matter with you people? Are you on drugs? I come to clean up your messes and you attack me?

Mark English: You punched me.

Linda Huckberg: (quickly) You punched him. You're going to jail.

Janitor: The dude tackles me and I get him off of my chest with well-deserved punch but somehow what I did was worse? You people are ass-backwards.

Linda Huckberg: (quietly to Mark) He's cursing now. He's getting dangerous, I'm scared. [phone dial sounds] Hello? Yeah, I need security. I was just assaulted by the so-called-janitor. Yeah. And he attacked Mark and now Mark is BLEEDING.

Janitor: Yeah well I just noticed that my left hand is broken from breaking my own fall after being tackled by that 30-year-old kid over there, why don't you tell them that too?

Mark English: I'm 35 you filthy common! All you people are the same!

Security: What seems to be the problem here? Whoa! What happened to your hand!

Janitor: This guy over here--

Linda Huckberg: AH AH AH AH! I'll explain since I called him.

Janitor: Nah, you're just going to lie about what happ--

Mark English: You SHUT UP! You have done ENOUGH today! I'm BLEEDING!

Security: Well that's too bad. His hand looks pretty jacked up and he's not crying about it.

Mark English: I'm not crying. Just, just get this, this, this, SAVAGE out of here before he assaults anyone else.

Janitor: You jumped over the table and threw yourself on me because that one over there got herself worked up for no reason.

Linda Huckberg: For no reason? You wanted to assault me with that THING.

Security: The feather duster? (sigh) Come on, sir. I'll get you a drink.

Mark English: Yeah, go get your beer because that's what you want you hairy, smelly, viking!

Security: Don't worry man, let's go get your hand looked at and listen: don't take what happened personally. They pull this shit whenever they get themselves worked up. Who knows what those two have for brains but this isn't the first time I've escorted a janitor out for being attacked. Last guy got the boot just because his presence made Mark feel inferior. They maced him good but don't worry, the producers pay amazing hush money to stay on the air whenever these two mess up. They hit me with a bat because they thought I was in here to steal on my first day on the job. Week later, promoted to chief.

Janitor: Man, forget this. I just want to pay my rent and have enough to eat. Is everyone a pussy like that?

Security: Pretty much and we pay the price. I'll take you in my car. [door closes]

Mark English: I'm traumatized.

Linda Huckberg: Are you going to be okay? I have some essential oils if you need them.

Mark English: No, let's just go to commercial break. I'm going to go have a juice box and a cookie and color for a little while to get my mind off things.

Linda Huckberg: I'll set the alarm and turn the lights off for you so you can take your nap.

Mark English: Thanks. Can you bring my naptime jungle sounds cd so I can listen to?

Linda Huckberg: Anything you want.

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Linda Huckberg: Seatbelts. Necessary or just another way for the car industry to oppress you?

Mark English: Oppression. No doubt about it. I mean, just look at the way they conveniently hold you down to your seat.

Linda Huckberg: It's all symbolic. It symbolizes a tomb, that's what they do to give you anxiety. You know how uncomfortable those things are?

Mark English: Oh, of course! They rub against your neck and don't let me turn in my seat to look out the back window at stoplights.

Linda Huckberg: Ugh, it makes it so hard for me to reach for my latte or phone when they're all the way over there on the passenger's side.

Mark English: Right and sometimes you wanna hit someone with a sandwhich or something on a Sunday afternoon but can't quite reach the button to roll the window down. I mean, what? Am I expected to unbuckle EVERY SINGLE TIME I want to chuck something at a filthy common?

Linda Huckberg: Well not only that, what about those times when you're just not able to get comfortable on those seats? Like, maybe sometimes I wanna sit criss-cross-applesauce? Ever thought of that?

Mark English: Ugh, there's no real reason to have seatbelts anyway. If you're too stupid that there's a chance you might crash and go flying out over the dash then maybe you shouldn't be driving at all. Just. Saying.

Linda Huckberg: Except that one time that fountain came out of absolutely nowhere and just ruined the front of my porsch. I was not happy about that at all.

Mark English: Right? Like, why the hell is there even a giant fountain IN THE MIDDLE OF YOUR FRONT YARD? Like, you're practically asking for it to be hit with a car or something.

LIinda Huckberg: Yeah, f*** them.

*Sirens wailing*

Mark English: Oh, oh, there's someting juicy coming down the pipes!

Linda Huckberg: Let's see what the Spinbug Spycam caught this time!

Mark English: Ooooh you're gonna like this one: just in, the Spinbug spycam managed to catch aerial footage Jennifer Alba running from someone or something in a field out near the old silos just outside of town.

Linda Huckberg: Does it show it? Like, can we see what she's running away from in such a hurry?

Mark English: I can quite tell but she's leaving behind a trail of blood from a nasty gash on her side. Oh, look, now she's picking up a branch and running back into the woods she just came out of.

Linda Huckberg: Girl's got guts.

Mark English: Might not be for much longer there, Linda.

Linda Huckberg: Haha you're right, she deserves whatever she gets for her awful performance in her last few films. Ga-ross.

Mark English: Did you see her hair? Can you say dead ends?

Linda Huckberg: Right. How could Mark Stewart, Mark-freaking-Stewart, marry a troll like that?

Mark English: Bribes or threats, there's just no other way. She's got no ass and she turned me down a few years ago so yeah. Maul her, mr.bear or whatever the f*** is chasing her.

Linda Huckberg: Oh look, there she is.

Mark English: That's a really big rat.

Linda Huckberg: That's impressive. Where did it come from?

Mark English: Who knows? I don't like the way it looks when it rears up like that.

Linda Huckberg: Wow, that thing is massive!

Mark English: Holy shit! [censor] Oh my goodness!

Linda Huckberg: Is that her leg? No freaking way, that's her leg! AUGH!

Mark English: Ew ew ew ew ew ew ew! Now she's got no ass AND only one leg. Talk about not having a leg to stand on!

Linda Huckberg: Wait, wait--there we are. I've gotta HAND it to you Mark, that was a good one!

Mark English: Sorry, Linda. I didn't EAR you!

Linda Huckberg: Oh fuck you Mark! Don't give me any LIP!

Mark English: It's a HAIRY situation out there, Linda!

Linda Huckberg: She's fighting TOOTH and NAIL.

Mark English: I can't STOMACH this.

Linda Huckberg: Yeah, actually. It's too gorey even for me and I used to skin cats as a kid.

Mark English: I used to stick firecrackers inside dogs and frogs. I mean, who hasn't? When mommy and daddy's money just can't satisfy your boredom and thinking hurts too much, what else is there to do? I mean, aside from going on manhunts and enjoying special meats when beef and poultry just don't cut it anymore? I mean, you CAN turn to your first cousins for carnal pleasures or if you're feeling adventurous, your siblings, your offspring or parents. That can provide some fun for a while but sometimes nothing quite satisifies that itch like forbidden fruit. Ugh, thank money we're rich.

Linda Huckberg: Yeah, thank money. I can't image what it would be like to be poor and have the police all over your case. I'd probably kill myself.

Mark English: How do commons die, anyway? I mean, aside from work or cancer.

Linda Huckberg: I'm not sure but I can tell you it isn't old age.

Mark English: Oh yeah, it can't be old age. I mean, there's no way they make it that far.

Linda Huckberg: You're right.

Mark English: Well, if they're not being mowed down by law enfocement I'm sure they're clogging their arteries with grease.

Linda Huckberg: Whatever it is that those animals die of I'm glad it's not something we have to worry about.

Mark English: Very true. Okay, back to the original topic: seatbelts. I personally don't see any use for them. I'm not a crazy driver and my chauffeur only drinks before we get on the road and I don't really care what he does after that as long as I can get to my yoga class I'm fine.

Linda Huckberg: I just can't stand them. The disgusting grey of those belts clashes with my blouses when I'm taking car-selfies and I can't upload those onto social media looking like that. I'd only get, like, 5,000 shares or something stupid like that.

Mark English: Ew. I would unfollow you in a heartbeat if you did that.

Linda Huckberg: Don't even fucking joke about that, Mark. You don't know what it's like.

Mark English: Are you going to be okay? Linda?

Linda Huckberg: I don't know, just the thought of it has really shaken me.

Mark English: You need to lay down.

Linda Huckberg: Mark, MARK?!

Mark English: This isn't good, this isn't good. Get security. Now!

Security: What do you need?

Mark English: Call an ambulance you brute!

Security: For fuck's sake.

Mark English: Linda, LINDA?! She's having a panic attack!

Linda Huckberg: M-mark...is that you?

Security: An ambulance, a firetruck, the police, investigators and your family doctor are all on the way.

Mark English: You didn't call her yoga instructor?!

Security: Why the fuck does her yoda instructor have to do with any of this?

Mark English: He gives her energy massages and stimulates her root chakra with his own root chakra. Don't they teach you this in, s-security school or something?

Security: Dude, I was a bouncer before this. The only reason I'm your security now is because your boss hired me at 25$/hr so I wouldn't sue your ass for almost getting me arrested.

Mark English: Get out. Get. Out.

Security: Suck it up buttercup, I need to be here.

Mark English: I've just about had it with you MEN--!

Linda Huckberg: Mark...come closer...

Mark English: What is it Linda? What do you need?

Linda Huckberg: Get me...get me my healing stones...

Mark English: Okay, I'll be right back.

Security: We'll be going to commercial break, stay tuned.

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Mark English: Well, it looks like we're at the end of our show. We hoped you got what you were looking for, I know I did!

Linda Huckberg: Right you are, Mark. We'll leave you with a final thought: we don't like chic-sandwich-o-mart and you shouldn't either because if you do, you're not just wrong: you're a bigot.

Mark English: Oh and Hobby Foyer. Fuck them.

Linda Huckberg: Fuck Hobby Foyer, fuck chic-sandwich-o-mart and fuck Janet. The fucking COMMON.

Mark English: And everyone that isn't like us or looks like us because they're not humans. Like you and me. I'm ignorant and that makes me proud.

Linda Huckberg: I'm proud of you.

mark English: Shut the fuck up, Linda.