How to Grow and Maintain a Neckbeard

How to Grow and Maintain a Neckbeard

by Edward James Hess

Introduction

The Neckbeard is a rarely seen trim variant not easily kept by the commoner. No sir, this beard requires the utmost care and diligent handling to keep in tip-top shape.

Since the dawn of man, there have always been the 3 class of males. The alpha aggressive, the alpha thinker and the alphabeta. The alphabeta didn't survive the uprising caused when they decided to add letters to our math and were wiped out by the other two factions. Eventually, the alpha aggressives became the alpha chads and later your average douchebags. The alpha thinkers became sophisticated, well-rounded, honorable, fedora-wearing, gentlemen that we see so rarely today.

There are the average homo sapiens as well but these are just an in-between filler species.

For millennia the two have been separated by fundamental differences, one of which is the centerpiece for this handy how-to: The Neckbeard.

Chapter 1: The Neckbeard

The Neckbeard. A marvelous trim of the male facial hair. Difficult to maintain and wispy when long, The Neckbeard is akin to rabbit fur and serves a crucial role in courting of females. Coupled with a fedora, The Neckbeard is far above all else when it comes to stunning displays of sexual prowess.

Chapter 2: Trimming

First thing is first: do not trim. As counter-intuitive as it would seem, trimming is usually the number 1 mistake most people make when attempting to grow a Neckbeard and can significantly decrease your success in mating later. Once the ratlike hair comes in in patches, assure you keep yourself indoors and away from the sun so as to reduce tanning and thus providing a high contrast for your fine furs to show against your pasty skin. From there we segue into chapter 3.

Note: Though trimming is discouraged, some very basic techniques can be implemented to assist in guiding growth down the neck. If such an outcome is desired, one can allow for growth farther down so it can become one with the chest hair. More on this in chapter 5.

Chapter 3: Completing The Look

Once The Neckbeard has come in fully, it's time to match your new look with a new wardrobe. For starters, be sure to allow your neckbeard to breathe, after all it took 6 months to grow and you'd want to show it off. A trench coat or a black fleece jacket is the way to go but make sure to leave your neckbeard exposed. As for your shirt for wearing underneath, it's best to go with a solid black shirt with an edgy logo, nihilistic joke or sarcastic remark hinting at your intellectual superiority over others.

Black denim or black canvas are usually the goto for leg-wear and it can be quite trendy while retaining individuality for our loner types that steer clear of the sheep. Females and males are encouraged to explore leg-wear since skirts and kilts are also very trendy, though they are a bit of a rarity even within the culture.

Boots and leather shoes are a must when attempting the delicate look. To not come off as a poser, 3 pairs of shoes are the absolute must in any neckbear-sporter's wardrobe and a well-kept, unearned sense of superiority to others for those finishing touches.

Another interesting factoid about having a neckbeard is that despite being able to both grow and maintain one, it's actually taxing for the average Steve since it requires the wearing down of the ego in favor of self-awareness. In other words, it requires a higher IQ to understand the WHY behind a neckbeard, not just that you have one. That would make you a filthy poser.

Variants to this look may also have piercings, black nail polish or eyeliner. These are simply of the "Emo" or "Goth" faction of the same whole though they typically forego the neckbeard in favor of the hair swoop and black lipstick.

Chapter 4: The Vocabulary

So you can walk the walk, but can you talk the talk?

Many a male have attempted to grasp the elusive neckbeard through physical means of following the trend down to the niche hobbies but they lack a very basic trait: the vocabulary.

Expressing oneself in a way consistent with a neckbeard connoisseur requires not only the visual aspects but also a need to update ones usage of the language of choice.

For example: One could go the route of referring to the female sex as "lady", "madam" or any variation of these but for full effect, one must become familiar and accustomed to using the appropriate term "m'lady" when speaking to a female as this has been shown to improve your reproductive success exponentially with each use. This combined with a tip of the fedora is a more potent aphrodisiac.

Examples for usage:

"Can I get the door for you, m'lady?"

"Does this hat please you, m'lady?"

"You accidentally left me on read, m'lady."

Chapter 5: Going above and beyond

Yes, a neckbeard is essential to your survival as we have explored in the previous chapters but how can one go beyond this? Simple.

Chest hair on its own was big in the 70's and while in itself it was an impressive tool of seduction, today's privy females look for much more. Fortunately, you're at the doorstep of a brand new discovery made available only in this book: connecting The Neckbeard with your chest hair.

Now, I know this can be daunting and outright unorthodox but in today's climate, getting a mate has never been more difficult. With this in mind, we humbly ask that you consider this sure-fire way to ensure you capture the eye of that special someone.

The secret is in allowing your neckbeard to flourish and spread downward below the throatline and to your collarbone area. This will provide ample room for the two areas of growth-or erogenous hotspots-to meet and merge.

Once the two regions have become intertwined, the mat of hair that forms will-over time-become a single mass capable of acting as a breastplate as well as its originally intended purpose of being a magnet for the opposite sex. After providing adequate time to fester, the mass of tufts and patches will become uniform and should resemble velvet when shaved.

Note: Some men will be able to join their back and chest hair either via the underarm in a fashion that is known simply as the gentleman's vest or over the shoulders which is known as the loincloth when only one shoulder connects but the life vest when both connect fully in a woolly mat beside each side of the head.

For the inexperienced, one way to recognize a neckbeard by their, well, neckbeard but this isn't always the case. There are those that might so closely resemble a genuine neckbeard that they can be easily mistaken for one. Do not be fooled. The hallmark of a neckbeard, while counter-intuitive, is not the beard he or she sports on their neck. No, you'll be able to tell who they are simply by the way their eyes twinkle with the glint of wisdom. Their eyebrows also raise in frustrated confusion at the utter stupidity of some people and when prompted about their favorite past-time, you'll be met with a 1,000-mile gaze off into the distance.

Chapter 6: Conclusion

Whether or not you have a neckbeard is irrelevant though it is encouraged. Still, some are unable to grow a neckbeard and that's alright as the real neckbeard is found within.