How to "People" on Planet Earth

How to “People” on Earth

A handy how-to guide for the smart intergalactic traveler

Alright, so now onto the real meat of the so-called advice. First, cake icing is hard to get out of hair so don't let a hispanic person stand behind you when taking that first bite: we're known for shoving people's faces into their cake as a sign of appreciation for the coming of a new year in a person's life. We're weird that way. Second, all puppers are doggos but not all doggos are puppers. Useful advice for picking out a friend that isn't a cat. Thirdly, humans are funny creatures. They do all sorts of funny things but can also be dangerous so it's best to greet them with an offering of a joke or a piece of cake. Humans eat cake. Finally, the birbs in the sky are just flying people. Earth has lots of people and sometimes they don't say much but do amazing things. Take the earthworm for example. The earthworm does all sorts of cool things and can sometimes be served with what people call ketchup but not every human does this so it's best to learn their customs first before offering this delicacy. There are also doggos as mentioned before. These people enjoy eating, wagging their "tail" and also belly rubs so it's good to do these things in order to gain favor of the pooches. Their leader is very knowledgeable and very a good boi so it's a good idea to have pups as an ally. Otherwise, they'll break into your habitation unit, commonly called a home or house on earth, and chew up your footwear. The males, will urinate and mark their territory so it's wise to prevent this as whatever their pee touches belongs to them now. While unfortunate, there is a silver lining: you don't want to reclaim anything that's been peed on. A no-go so to speak. Then there are the mouses. Mouses are small, furry people that enjoy tiny habitable spaces where they can "gnaw" and "mate". These are sometimes done by other people but mouses like it most of all. Mouses are sometimes called "pests" but mouses are very smart and can also be called "pets" if cleaned and maintained properly. Yes, mouses are very important especially when plans are the subject. As the old adage goes, "The best laid plans of mice [sic] and men." followed by some junk that inspires other people to do great things. The tall, two-legged people say funny things sometimes. Then there are the cars. These people don't say much but when they do it's super loud and usually startling with a "honk" noise. Sometimes these "cars" carry the tall, two-legged people and if you stop one for long enough, the people inside will say some loud things and salute you with the back of their hand while sticking up their longest finger as a sign of appreciation for taking time to say hello to them. They're funny this way. Then there are the big people. They're really big and really heavy but harmless. Their ears are super big and floppy which make a great scratching spot to caress them with. Their noses are also really long and they enjoy eating "peanuts". Sometimes the two-legged people hunt them for their ivory and that's sad. Then there are the clip-clop-neigh doggos. They're taller than the other doggos and they whinny (whatever that means) but they also serve another function: they're really cute. Now, this can be taken two ways: on one hand, the clip-clop-neigh doggo can kick really hard if spooked but on the other hand, they can carry other tired people on their backs and take them a long way to where they need to go. They're helpful people but they're no push-overs so be warned. Then there are the milk bois. Milk bois are harmless too so they're allowed to eat the green hair that grows on the ground in exchange for milk. We can't drink milk since it gives us gas but the two-legged people can and they make a thing called "cheese" from it which is good. Especially on what the tall people call "burgers" or "nachos". Tostitos, as I'm told, are the best of these so-called "nachos".

There are also "shopping malls" where herds of people flock to immediately after "pay-day" so they can acquire "stuff" to fill their "homes" with until the next "pay-day" comes around. It's currently misunderstood why "stuff" is so important but as we've come to learn: "stuff" allows their "homes" to be, well, more "homely" so I suppose they're good [author's note].

The water bois, or "whales", are also very important to life on earth. They eat krill and poop out fertilizer. Short, sweet and to the point. These are vital to life on earth. Sol is another thing that is important to life on earth as it allows the "plants" to flourish and thus feed the other people, even if it does mean their death. This is sad. When dealing with "plants" or, more appropriately "veggie bois", one must take great care as they do not like being stepped on are supah wise. On our last visit, we spoke at great length with one of the veggie bois and she told us she was 2,000 years old! Wow, how cool is that? Anyway, there are also the fishes. Fishes are super fun and super friendly though they have a super short attention span. This is okay but if you're meeting them for the first time, you might have to tell them once or twice who you are. They're forgetful like that. There are some tall, two-legged people that are like this too and we just call them telemarketers.

During your first few Sol-cycles, you'll notice that sometimes it gets dark and cold. Don't be afraid, this is called "night" and it isn't without its benefits. There are the "hooters" and the "chirps" to interact with. The "hooters" are super wise and love making friends but they are a little intimidating so be weary. The "chirps" are hard to find but that's also the reason they "chirp" so much but if you get a chance to see one, please appreciate its slender, green body and supah legs that allow this person to hop from place to place. They're all really nice people. If you happen to come across a small, furry person with big cheeks: please offer him a nut or acorn as these will garner favor from the skittish person.

Now we move on the cuisine aspect of earth. There are many types of food that people eat. Some eat other people and there are some that seem to not eat at all though this is a misconception. Veggie bois eat light from Sol which shines brightly in the sky. These veggie bois sometimes produce "fruit" which the other people eat to stay in tip-top shape so that they may continue eating and fuc-...mating. There is also spaghetti which grows from the ground in its raw form which must then be processed to include a mash made from "fruit" called "tomatoes". There are also "potatoes" but these are not the same, they just sound alike. Be careful. When "potatoes" are mashed, it isn't called "sauce" in the same way that we call mashed tomatoes. Instead, people got lazy and just called it mashed potatoes. By the way, mashed potatoes pair amazingly with squid or porcupine.

If you're looking for a sweet spot to "kick it" at, look no further than the beaches along the coast of the giant islands that make up earth's crust. There you will be able to sip "gin and juice" as the locals would call it as well as allow you to "holla at some bitches". Whatever that means. The local people we met on our initial visits were very nice to us and allowed us to "hit a lick" with them which involved a friendly game of tag using hand-held projectile devices. Though crude, these tiny metal "bullets" made for an effective means of "neutralizing" the "rival, bitch-asses from the next hood over" which was fun and fulfilling on a primitive level which I found exhilarating and satisfactory. After we "kept it real" we went on to replenish our energies at the "strip joint". That was nice. [Author's notes]

The last bit of handy advice we have to offer is the following: don't eat the yellow snow. It might look like lemon from back home but it isn't. Tall, two-legged people also like to mark their territory and do so after engaging in the drinking of fermented fruit juice. People are funny this way.

This concludes this handy guide to life on earth! We, the authors, hope you will enjoy your time visiting this happy little rock and wish you the best on your vacation!

End of the book

What we have in intergalactic intelligence we lack in creativity.