Santa Claus Intel Report #0000

Do you think that freak is playing around? I watched him gun down his own kid when the brat couldn't stay awake after working all December making video game consoles from scratch. He's got sniper towers and landmines not even buried just lying around his so-called factory. It's a giant sweatshop. That THING is a monster, that THING doesn't have a soul. Did you know his name isn't even Nicholas? No. It's Octavius Patrick McDennis and rents a townhouse in Texas. This dude has got millions of laundered dollars and STILL went out of his way to rob a gas station for-get this-rubbers and a pack of smokes. Not even the good kind. There are warrants out for his arrest in 3 states, he's been banned from entering the state of Connecticut and landed himself on a no-fly list for smoking crack in coach like it was his own little private jet or something. In fact, just last week a surveillance camera caught him taking a dump, butt naked on the doorstep of the town's junior ballerina 1st place winner because he was jealous that she had won a dance competition. She's 8. But that's all child's play, let's talk about the elephant in the room. Every year, this dude gets absolutely trashed, I mean, he gets real pickled and gets into his heavily-modified mini-van made to look like a sleigh and turns on the jet engines welded to the back and takes off into the night. Okay, so far no harm done. No, it's after this moment that the felony break-ins happen. So this guy is piss wasted, alright? He's gone and to make this little trip even cuter, he breaks into your home-not through the door or window like a regular criminal, no, he's special-he has to be unique. He breaks in through the chimney before raiding your fridge, kicking back drinking a cold one with his feet on your coffee table and to make himself feel good, he leaves you gifts. Just so that he can sleep at night as if he's going to actually remember anything. But if you're poor just remember this: you've actually got the good end of the bargain. He only visits people with valuables, people he can steal from. The crook. You ever notice how in the morning, yeah, you've got a new pair of penny loafers under the tree-but question: where's the urn with grandma's ashes inside? Wasn't it above the fireplace? Or what about the jewelry box that was in the drawer right beside your bed last night? Yeah. Also, this dude has some sort of problem with clothes or something. You know that red suit he's been seen wearing? It's paint. Just paint. The only things that aren't are his shoes and hat because heaven forbid he catch a cold or something.

[DATA EXPUNGED] cir.2010