Santa Claus Intel Report #0002

Day 45. We were just outside the compound. Fatboi and his demon reindeer had left to re-up their supplies of various narcotics. I watched one of their silos go up at around 2235 hours when Frosty came home with a few elfettes. He and a few others had been given access to the fatboi's warehouses where they would hold lingerie parties wherein Frosty and a few higher-up elfs would do rails of pure Bolivian flake off of prostitutes' asses. They would crush up pills and make suppositories with a single square of toilet paper before taking turns ramming 5 or 6 up one another's buttholes. I remember watching as the prostitutes grimaced at the sight. Well, that's not completely accurate. The 5 women and 3 ladyboys-per Frosty's request-were actually pretty okay with it for the first 30 minutes. It wasn't until one of the trusted associate elfs started to get pushy with one of the girls that a firearm was drawn. Frosty attempted to cool down the situation by playing some music but this merely served to confuse and frighten the already frightened and armed sex worker who then shot Frosty through the chest. Since Frosty is made of equal parts snow and black magic, the bullet went right through him and hit one of the distillery tanks far behind, causing it to leak. The elf, being on of Santa's most trusted, tackled the woman into a heap the size of a small car of cocaine. From what I could tell, they stirred so much of the powder that the air had become opaque and this is where the fatal mistakes began to be made. I couldn't count the number of shots fired because almost as soon as the barrage of projectiles began, I saw out of the corner of my eye that one of the rounds had hit the cement and caused a spark which caught the leaking ethanol from the damaged distillery on fire. I felt the hair on the back of my neck stand on end and knew I had to leave before the whole thing went up. I looked down at my wristwatch but wouldn't get the time because at that very instant a large orange fireball lit up the sky behind me. I felt a wave of heat hit me a few seconds later and I knew at that moment in my very soul that there were no survivors.